Haunting Past.

I've often wonder about the amount of effort I put in a friendship and the lengths I would go for a friend.
Why do I care so much?
Why do I go so far?
Even when it isn't worth it.

When I tried to answer those questions, it got me thinking, and it brought me back to my past.
A past so far back that I can't believe I still remember.

I was a fat kid back then, a really fat kid, and in all fat kid, there's always the issue with self-esteem.
There are some that could overcome it but there are some that couldn't, and I was the latter.
To make things worse, I was born with natural curls that was difficult to maintain (there was no such thing as rebonding back then, so thank god for that!), which means the only haircut I could have was a boy cut style.
Having a prettier, skinnier, and popular sister with pretty long straight hair didn't help either.
So imagine how fragile I was back then with all these three combined.

I was never discriminated by my size, but I never felt accepted as well, not among friends, not even among my family members.
It wasn't because no one accepted me, it was me, I couldn't accept myself, and that made me an introvert kid.

When it comes to friends, I've never had any true ones, not when I was in primary school, and my early secondary years.
Even when I did have friends, they all prefer to hang out with my cool and popular sister.
Being cool and popular was important back then and I was neither.

If I remember correctly, birthday parties used to be the "in" thing back then, and to be invited to one means a lot.
Obviously, my sister gets invited a lot because she's popular and has tons of friends, as for me, not so much.
Every time when my sis tells my mom that she got invited to a party and wants to attend it, my mom would asked me, "How about you, girl? Are you attending any party?", with a concerned voice of course, and I would just keep quiet.

I mean I do get invited to parties, but rarely, and whenever I do get invited, some would say "Eh, bring your sister along la."
I am glad that I have a fun sister that everyone likes to hang out with but sometimes I just wish that they could see me first, and not always living under her shadow.

When it comes to own family, I've always been the problem child.
The one that doesn't listen and fight backs every single time.
Just like every child, I guess I did it because I wanted attention, especially from my mom.
I've never felt that she loved me, because she never said it once, all she does is yell and smack me.
I know now that she does, I was just a ignorant child back then.
I wish I knew it then, then I wouldn't have said all those hurtful things to her.

On a sort of unrelated note, I realise that people who were born around the 50s-60s just doesn't seem to know how to express themselves without shouting and smacking.

Back to what I was saying,

During my early secondary years, I didn't have any friends in the beginning because I didn't know how to make them.
I do have classmates but no one to go for recess with.
I know I could have just tag along with someone from my class but I was too shy to ask.

So every time when it's time for recess, I would walk as slowly as possible to the canteen, so no one would see me eating alone or I would quickly finish my food and walk to a place where no one would see me hanging out alone.
Sometimes I would even join my this guy friend, who hangs out near the flag pole with his friends when I have no where else to go.
I still remember, there's this one time he asked me (out of curiosity, I suppose), "Eh why you always hang out with us, don't you have any friends?"
It struck a nerve there, and that was the first time I felt really alone.

I was vulnerable, I was desperate and I needed friends.
So when a classmate of mine asked me to join their "gang", without thinking twice, I said yes.
That was the first time I felt accepted.

And in order to keep all those friends, I did everything I could to stay in the group.
I would talk like them, walk like them and even agree with everything they say even when I don't.
So basically I was a follower with no personality whatsoever.
Even when I was backstabbed and boycott, I still stuck with them.
I was that desperate.

Throughout the years, I somehow managed to gain some confidence and made a few recess buddies, and because of that, I was sort of on the outs with my original group of friends.
We still hung out but it was different because I changed.

It all happened when I was in Form 4.
It was GOD that changed me.
He gave me the courage to be myself, to not be afraid, so I took a stand and I changed for the better.

That's when I realise that those things that they said about the people they didn't like weren't true, so I started hanging out with them and they weren't too happy about that.
Even then, I stuck with them because they were the ones who helped when I needed someone the most and I was really grateful.

But all hell broke loose towards the end of the year.
I can no longer stand the way they were treating me and to top it all off, they betrayed my trust.
What they did was unforgivable, I had to end it even if it means that I had to be alone again.

I've never had true friends in the past.
When I thought they were, they betrayed me instead.
It happened when I was in primary school and again during my early secondary years.
Those high school friends, they broke me, they broke me bad.
It was hard for me to trust anyone again.

But in the midst of everything, God secretly sent me a gift, more like gifts.
Gifts that changed my life.
Gifts that gave me the best year of my secondary years - Form 5.
Gifts that made me who I am today.

I know it may not seem like it but sometimes my past still haunts me.
I can never be myself around my sister's friends or around my relatives.
Whenever my sister is there, I don't know why, I'll just automatically revert back to the fat kid who lives under her sister's shadow.
I know is silly but I just can't help it.
It's my haunting past.

So now, to answers those earlier questions,

Why do I care so much, even when I know it's isn't worth it.
Because I never want the ones I love to go through what I've been through. No one deserves to feel alone, even for a second. So no matter how far you push me away, I'll always be by your side even if you don't need me to. It's not pity, it's love.

Why do I go so far?
Because no one has done it for me back then.

Everyone needs a friend.
It doesn't matter whether you matter to them, if they matter to you, you care, no question ask.

Friendship is easy for me now, because of everything that I've been through.
I'm no longer afraid.
But when it comes to love, deep down I'm still the insecure, introvert, and fragile fat kid.
If I was ever given a choice between love and friendship.
I would always go for friendship because that's what I'm good at, well, sort of.

I'm afraid to let people get close to me because I'm afraid that I would get hurt.
And as much as I don't care about what others think about me.
The fat kid inside me does.
I'm the fat kid with the fragile heart.

Even if I do love you, I won't tell you, I'll show you but I'll never tell you.
Because I'm the fat kid with the fragile heart.

Even when you tell me you do, I would push you away.
Because I'm the fat kid with the fragile heart.

Even when every fiber of my being wants to be with you, I would push you away.
Because I'm the fat kid with the fragile heart.

If I ever pushed you away by saying things I don't mean.
I'm truly sorry.
It's not because I don't love you, it's because I'm afraid of how much I would love you.

I have the confidence, but not the self-esteem.
My past haunts me.
I'm the fat kid with the fragile heart.