Another Side of Me

EDITT..... [bottom part]

Today for the first time ever, I'm gonna blog about my past.
Is gonna be a long post.
I'm doing this because I think that in order for me to put aside my past, I have to let it all out.

I'm not sure does everyone knows this.
The person that I am now is not the person that I used to be.
The person that I used to be is a total OPPOSITE of who I am now.
Who I was last time was NOT confident, NOT talkative, NOT friendly, SHY, LOW SELF-ESTEEM and so much more.
But thats all I can remember right now.

I'll start with my life in Junior High.
I can't really remember anything that happened when I was in Standard 1-4.
So I'll just move on to Standard 5.
Ever since I was Junior High, I ALWAYS HAVE FRIENDSHIP PROBLEMS!
I don't know is it me me, or is it my size.
For those who doesn't know, I was very fat last time, not obese kinda fat I guess, but fat.
Yea I know people say I'm cute, but thats because I'M FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was in Standard 6, it was one of the worse year of my life.
I got boycott by all the friends that I made when I was in Standard 5.
I don't know why, they didn't tell me.
They just stopped talking to me.
Is like one day they decided that they wanna boycott me and they just did it.
Even until now, I still don't know the reason.

Back then, because I didn't know what was the reason, I started thinking like pessimist, and that maybe they hate me because I'm fat.
I know I shouldn't think that way.
But back then, I really feel like a sad sad person.
I'm like the fat gurl that no one wants to talk to.
I just so feel so left out you know.

And my friends, THEY LOVE MY SIS.
Is like they prefer to hang out with my sis more than me.
And my sis who always had a nicer body shape than me convinced me even more that the reason they boycott me was because I was fat.
Yea yea, wrong thinking I know.
But back then, I'm just a fat gurl with a super low-esteem.
And having a sister thats so pretty and everyone loves her pushes my self-esteem even lower.

And because I was so sad when I was in Junior High, when I started High School, it didn't get any better.
It got worse.
As I've already mentioned earlier, my sis is hot and everyone loves her.
For those who doesn't know, she's two years older than me.

You know when you are in High School, there's always this popular gang.
Since I've such low self-esteem, I'll definitely not mix with them rite.
But everyone in the popular gang who are the same age as me and the people who are younger and older, mostly EVERYONE KNOWS AND LOVES MY SIS.
Haha! FUN!

And since basically EVERYONE knows my sis, eventually they'll know who I am.
So every time wherever I go, people who knows my sis would say "Hi, Cassandra's sister" instead of my name.
No one knows my name, they just know me by that, unless they saw my name tag of course.
Plus they wouldn't even say another word and would just walk by me

So when I first got into High School.
New school, new environment, NO FRIENDS!
SAD!
So every time during recess, I would be alone.
And because basically almost the whole school knows my sister, I hate to be seen alone.
Because I'm afraid that people will think that why am I not like sis and why am I such a sad person?
And because of that, I hate going to the canteen.

I don't want to be seen alone by the people that knows my sis.
So normally, I would just hang out with the boys at the flag pole.
And if they are not there, I'll just wander around alone waiting for recess to finish and rush back to class before anyone sees me alone.
I'm seriously that pathetic.

After that I got to know this group of friends, and you would think that "now things are getting better eh?"
Let me tell you, YOU ARE SO DAMN WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That group of friends that I know sort of has a "leader" and wherever she goes, I'm like this follower that follows her around everywhere.
And whatever she says, even though is wrong, if she say is right then I'll say is right.
So basically I'm just a follower.

I can't afford to lose any friends that time.
If I really lose that group of friends, I really have no one.
So in order to keep that group of friends, I had to follow whatever that "leader" says although I didn't like that "leader" because she's always giving me a hard time.
But like I said earlier I NEED FRIENDS so I had no choice but to just bare with it.

So thats basically how I live my first 3 years of High School.
Mostly sad, lonely and helpless.

Things got better when I was in Form 4.
Thats when my sister left.
I've been living under my sister's shadow all these time until she left.
Although people still know that I'm "Cassandra's sister", people slowly start to know my name "Jaclyn"

When I was in Form 4,
I was really active in Sunday School (Religious Classes) and in school.
And it was that time, I met Evie and Yi Ping.
It was partly because of them, I started to feel that I can finally stand on my own two feet.
So I tried to break free from that group of friends, and lucky for me they did something to betray me.
I finally stood up for myself and broke free from them.
And from that day onwards, I slowly became who I am now.

All these while, it was that groups of friends that kept me from being who I am but at the same time they were the ones that gave me friendship when I needed it the most.
So in a way I do thank them.

But of course I didn't become who I am now immediately after I break free from that group of friends.
It all started when I was in Form 5.

I was like so new to the whole socializing thing.
And I don't know why when I was in Form 5, everyone seems to find me really cute.
NOT BRAGGING OKAY!!!!!!
People that I didn't think I would ever get to be friends with are willing to be my friends.
Like those popular people who knows my sis for instances, they would speak to me more instead of just saying hi bye.
People who are younger than me would speak to me.
Is like a dream come true. =)

Thats why throughout my whole High School life, the most unforgettable years are my last two years.
I really really enjoyed it so so much!
I met so many amazing people.
Some that are still close to me even until to now.
Jean, Eunice, Chingz, Lynn.

After High School, it was UTAR Foundation.
I thought I wouldn't made any close friends there, but I did.
I found another family there with my two beloved, James and Liv.

Everyone that I met when I was High School and UTAR Foundation played a big part in helping me in being who I am now.
If I hadn't met them, I don't think I'll ever step out from my past.

But sometimes my past will come back to haunt me, especially when there's another hotter gurl/guy involved.
I'll start thinking like people would choose them over me and they wouldn't talk to me because I'm fat [I'm still fat btw]
But of course I do try my hardest not to think that way because everyone is unique.
If I'm being who I am and they don't like me, screw it!
I don't want them as a friend either!
Thats who I am now.

I love the person that I've become and I love those people that helped me in being who I am now.

My friends,
If one day, we stopped talking to each other, please do know that I'll never stop thinking about you and that you'll always have a place in my heart.
*hugs*