It's too confusing

I’ve come to a point whereby I’m no longer sure what is it that I’m looking for at my workplace. 
I love my colleagues, they are wonderful! But at the same time, not all of them are trustworthy.
I spend most of time thinking about others and not focusing so much on myself which is fucking not productive, and not needed.

I always think that I know what I am doing and I still think I do, but maybe I just don’t.
All of a sudden, I just feel damn stupid. Stupid because my naïve mind made me stupid.
My eyes tells me one story, but my minds tell me the other, and yet I choose to believe my head instead of what I see.
I have yet to accept that what I see is always what is true, I really should start embracing it, but then again I don’t why I just can’t.
I just can’t seem to tell my head to accept what I see as the truth and just go on with it.
I’m not sure whether is it that my head refuses to accept or am I choosing not to.
Well, I’m guessing it’s the latter.

I've always been someone who gives others the benefit of the doubt, always had, and maybe always will.
I just can't seem to shake that off.
I want to say that maybe it's time I learn to see things to other way and not give people the benefit of the doubt, but then again I know I'll just bite my tongue at the end of the day.

Say for instance, I know for a fact that, based on what I see, this person that I currently have my eyes on will never, I mean never ever tell me how "it" feels or even admit to me that "it" feels that way, but yet my heart still draw so closely.
"It" shares a lot, tells me a lot but I know for a fact, based on what I see, it'll never be the ending that I hope it would be.
I tried, to stay away but I just can't.
But the good news is, I'm learning.
I'm learning to control what I feel inside and believe what I see in front of me.
I'm basically left with no choice.
I just can't keep continuing with this, it's not worth the emotional worked up.
And hopefully, after this learning, I can apply it at work.
Trust my first instinct and just keep the needed guard up.

I'm just so tired.
Tired of playing the needed game to just get my job done.
I actually went to one point in my life where I actually decided to just play the game so hard that I don't fucking care whether others survived at the end of the day.
But...I just couldn't do it.
I wanted to but it's just so not me.
I really wanted to do it so bad but somehow I just got pulled back.
Not sure whether is it God or what, but somehow, I'm back to just being me, the person who doesn't play games.

I want to, so bad to play the game.
To play it so well that I may possibly just be the MVP.
But when I look back, it's like what's the point of doing all that? Am I happier that way?
No. But instead, I lose myself.
Then the next question is, is this worth losing yourself over?

Looking back at what I've been feeling for this someone, I ask myself, is it worth another heart break?
To be honest, I do not know.
I do not know whether it's worth trying, all I know is, it's not worth opening up, especially if others never bother asking.
Share only when you're asked and not openly.
When you share only when you're asked, you keep the control within you.
So is "it" worth the effort to open up and try, the answer based on what I see, it's not, because "it" will never admit for feeling anything aside from friendship.
So there's no point in building a connection, friendship still ok, but nothing ever more.
It's sad really...
My eyes always tell me truth, maybe it's time I start trusting it and start following my gut feeling.
End of Story.