emo

its been a long time since i last wrote....actually all these while i alwiz had things to write....but i never wrote because i lost my vibe to express my thoughts through words.....ppl say that we normally express ourselves in words better than when we're talking....is true...but right now....i dont have the vibe to do any one of them anymore...

many things had happen in these few weeks that i never wrote and many things has change or maybe it never change.....maybe is alwiz there but i didnt see it or i didnt wanna see it....i came to realise today that im starting to not know myself anymore....i really dont know what kind of person hav i become....have i changeD?i dont feel anything.....i dont feel that i've change....but things around me is telling that i have.....so have i?i really have no answer to this question....

i alwiz say life sucks, life's a bitch....but actually life isnt like that....im the one who made it that way....why did i do that?why did i want to make my life suck....why did i want to make life look like a bitch...why!

i look around myself....and realise that actually what i have is not what i want.....and things that i thought wuz alwiz there is actually not....

like friends for instant....i know ppl say that if a friend doesnt make an effort to try to keep a friendship....they're not worth our friendship....and i myself believe this....but i cant do it....there are friends around me that does this to me....but what do i?i continue to be friends with them cuz i believe that there are reasons behind their actions....there are reasons why they dont stay in contact with me.....yes i know im stupid to think like this....but this is me....i alwiz think so naively.....believing that there's a reason when there's actually not....and this is what i meant about "things that i thought wuz alwiz there is actually not"

sometimes i wonder....why does this crap happen to me?i know is not a proud thing to say....but i do this to my friends as well.....is it because of that?thats why i get all this crap?this is really what we call "karma" i know i as a catholic shouldnt believe in all this...but all the things that is happening around juz seem to show this "thing" is true....

since i said i believe that there's a reason behind each person's action....so whats my reason?the reason is im lazy....but sometimes im really busy...ppl that knows me really well will understand this....cuz they juz know me too well....so the question comes bek to me again.....am i not being considerate enough?towards those ppl that treat me like that?

i know by saying all these....im in no position to complain cuz im treatin ppl the way ppl are treatin me....is like im gettin bek what i did to others....so is like the whole problem comes down to me....is ME!

i know if chingz is reading this....she'll tell me "jac you think too much" and yes chingz....i do think too much and i know it.....

sometimes i really wish that i can stop thinking about all this crap.....but i cant....is in my nature to care....to care about frenz even before myself.....im such a loser....

i actually wrote those on the 1st of sept....which wuz one...two....three...err....a few days ago.....but wuz too lazy to post it up.....

i know what i wrote there wuz kinda childish....some of it doesnt even make sense after reading it the second time....but is undenialable that whenever a person is depress they tend to lose their way of thinking and end up saying things that are childish....like what i did.....

anyway im juz expressing what im thinking....after writting that....i realise alot of things....is like when you write something when your depressed or angry and read it again after everything is over....you'll really realise that how childish you were....or maybe not childish....is like you finally know whats wrong and from there you know how to solve it and stuff like that....

i dont really how to put what i meant in words but hopefully you guys get it....

and is proven by me that....when your sad or depressed....juz express it through words....and trust me....you'll feel alot better.....

juz a note....the things i wrote earlier isnt shooting at anyone....i wuz juz depressed.....

i've learnt something today too...which is some people can never change....lol....i think you know what i mean rite....not you....you you....hahaha....thats lame!oh and...the disgusting picture of my toe wuz taken out upon request.....you happy now jameS!!!!!now no one can see my toe anymore!!!!!!actually i wanted to take it out a long time ago....i wuz juz too lazy....hahaha!

not being able to forget someone you love isnt the saddest thing in the world....however the grudge of letting go the sweet memories of the person you love is....the most painful thing in life isnt the pain and suffering that you got from love but is the sweet memories that you can never remember and only remember the sadness that you've went through...